bad day

Shut up jealousy.
the green eyed monster rears its ugly head once again. I don't know how to control it. one fucking comment and I'm back down again, tearing myself up for being so useless, screaming at myself for taking everything to heart.
todays going to be a shit day.
i havent done that homework, i would have, its just that Jess always does the easy part and then sends me the hard part. She copys and pastes pages of crap and it looks like a masterpiece. i'm left with the bit that actually requires work and will take me so much time D:
i hate her.

i'm going to see Emily today, getting on a train after college (maybe) If i can bring myself to do it. i want to break up with her. again.
i'm so pathetic.

Time waster

The Emotional Well being team called me back on Monday. a week ago. said to call them back to arrange an appointment for this tuesday. I couldn't do it. I can't imagine going and being expected to bring up all those words from the first meeting in a pathetic pool of verbal vomit to a different person who is going to look at me the same way that she did. Like 'are you really that pathetic?' and i have to sit there, hunched up in my chair, my grotesque fat keeping me from becoming the smallest ball i can and disappearing. and i have to listen to them, listen while they give me tasks i can't possibly accomplish, goals i will never achieve. like;

• throw out all the saved pills you have stashed away
• call Samaritans when you feel you need to cut.
• go to a&e if you want to OD.

but these are things i will never do. they think that just by telling me once. staring me straight in the eye and say that one day this could go badly, out of my control. they think that's going to stop me?

no that will only make me want to do it more. I want to be completely out of control, so out of control that i have no idea what I've done until it's too late. I like holding my boxes and boxes of pills in my arms, take out 50 and hold them in my hands, take a few then put them away. I pray for the day i have the strength to take it that one step further and down the lot. until then i will keep building the pile, the shoebox fills more and more with each passing week. i could kill myself 3 times over with the amount i have, but i will keep going until i have enough to finish the job properly. 

I can't call the samaritans, i can't call anyone. how would that go down? 'Hi, i want to cut myself, stop me please'

...

...

'Nevermind, i did it anyway, bye' 

Because thats how it works. i want to cut; i will.

no ifs ands or buts.

thats it. 

done.

so i cant call them. especially not now, one day before.

time waster. 

that's me.

Absolute time waster.

because i am not a risk to myself, in any way shape or form.

i am just a loser.

and i deserve this.

Sorry Arti. i said i trusted you, i don't.

you're thin, and your skin is flawless, you see people everyday like me, people who are worse than me. and you listen to them, and then you go home and shrug it off. and you never take your work home with you.

i take this home with me every fucking day.

it never leaves.

so i dont trust you.

and i never will

and i don't need therapy.

.

[i never needed a friend, like i do now]

and yet no one will be there. i am unimportant, i am useless, i am forgettable. 

i should not exist.

i can't be bothered with long descriptive posts. 

i cant even string an intelligent sentence together

Rejection hurts

Especially when they don't even realise they're doing it. And if you're like me...it doesn't take much to feel rejected. A phone call you missed out on, a midnight chat, a game played in the early hours of the morning to fight of those ever present urges. i started thinking today that if this included me then my SH wouldn't be as frequent. if anyone bothered to help me when i GET the urges as opposed to once the jobs already done then maybe it would be better. I don't mean to sound ignorant. they can have each other, they both need the help more than i do, but it doesn't make the empty feeling inside my chest any less. 

there are 3 people in my life that i want to be close to, close enough to have these talks with, and all three have someone else. 

end.

[And I would have stayed up with you all night]

Stupid me.

[If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer,Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer,by myself]

Its amazing how lonely one can feel even when surrounded. I seem to miss out on things without even being offered them. I wish i could explain the things i wanted to say, but i stupidly gave the link to a couple of people who might read this and it would cause arguments. I created this blog solely on the basis that i could write about what i like, say what i think and be completely open without anyone finding out. well i failed at that, just like i fail at everything else. because now i can't use this for what it once was going to be. i'm not meant to be open, that much is obvious. I'm meant to hold everything in until i explode. enjoy watching me fall. 

Words are not what they seem.

[Sticks and stones may break my bones, your words they surely kill]

I'm going to have a lyric of the day, encourage me to write a new post each day. I chose this one today just because i have problems with communication, trust issues mean that i spend alot of time not...well trusting anyone. i believe that alot of the things that are said to me are lies. 'i love you' or 'i'll always be here for you' or 'you look good today' these are all lies, every word. Because love is just a word, no meaning anymore. people say it as often as they say good morning, no one means it these days. i love you is a way of escaping conflict, i was going to add something else but i don't think there is anything else i can say. and no one can guarantee that they will be there forever. no one is always available, especially when your help is constantly coming from people suffering from mental health conditions. They always have issues of their own happening and can never guarantee that they'll be there. even when they are i feel i would just be bothering them with nonsense if i asked for help.

i never look good, no i dont have a warped body image like some people tell me i do. i am fat, fatfatfatfat. and i don't ever look good in clothes. pack myself in a massive hoody and hide my body from the world, that's what i want.

end of post.

Believe in me.

I'm losing myself tryin to compete
With everyone else instead of just being me
Don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak

I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today
And know that I'm okay

Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways
So you see, I just wanna believe in me

The mirror can lie
Doesn't show you what's inside
And it, it can tell you you're full of life
It's amazing what you can hide
Just by putting on a smile

I'm quickly finding out
I'm not about to break down, not today
I guess I always knew
That I had all the strength to make it through

And I cannot be afraid
I'm gonna wake up feeling beautiful today
And know that I'm okay

Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways
So you see, now, now I believe in me
Now I believe in me